Monday, May 14, 2012

Love Worth Losing

Deborah Cox
Love Worth Losing
For the last few days I’ve been feeling some kinda way. And that’s fine, life continues, it goes on, life is supposed to move in a forward progression; Right?  I find myself listening to music all the time, mostly R&B, it’s slow, relaxing and if old enough, has great meaning and depth.  Hours pass and I’m still listening and reflecting. Sometimes I chuckle and say wow; this stuff will make you want to slice your wrist. Nooooo I’m not suicidal, but I am contemplative.

I think of where I’ve been and where I’m going and who with. After turning #% years old, I can’t stop thinking about making someone happy, and feeling a type of happiness l’ve never had before. Those thoughts ignite a desire of determination and hopefulness that springs up from my soul. I long to have that. Let’s get some things out of the way, I’m not arrogant, but I am confident, I’m not desperate, but I do desire. Therefore, I respect myself and you enough to not start something I know will go nowhere. 

As I sit here listening to music, going nowhere fast, I began to feel a loss, a deep loss. Deborah Cox, “We can’t be Friends” came on the music box and I listened and I even traded places with Deborah for a few moments.  I was really feeling this song. She and R.I. from the group Next sang their hearts out, saying “I’ll never ever find another love like you, I love you too much.” Basically saying in the sweetest way possible, I want all or nothing.  It will hurt me to just be your friend because what we had is real. There is no denying it, and if you were to move on, then what exactly am I to do with all these feelings I have that will not take flight?

The song got so good, I got choked up, felt a tear escape my eye…I had to ask myself, who the hell was I referring to.  And quickly one person, only one came to my mind. And while I do fear seeing a wedding come, I realize that I celebrate that loss more than I fear it. So exactly why am I sadden when the music box sings to me. Two reasons: One, because we are connectional people, and the story in that song is very real to someone and my heart is willing to share in the pain of another so they don’t hurt alone. And secondly, I am sadden at the idea that I will never find a love worth losing.

Sounds crazy right? I’m so blessed, there are people around me who desire my company even willing and wanting me to fill out an application for their heart.  But because too many times before I’ve met impostures who use my love and my desire for love to make me weak, I’ve become scared. Scared to take the chance of building something new and right with …whomever. I used the word scared but I’m not scared as much as I am scarred. Impostures left a nasty infection that lingers causing walls to manifest around my heart. Protection mode is in over drive.

But when the music stops, my heart will make its own beat and I pray my mind will march appropriately.