Saturday, December 29, 2012


After some reflection tonight I fell in love with love all over again. For some time now people have identified me as the one who always have a positive spin on ….anything, especially life.  But I have to admit in all that positivity I exert, negative thoughts often dampens my spirits and narrows the view of possibilities I see.  I’m a creator and a conqueror of hope.  But today, was an exceptional day because of the fresh fragrance of unexpected hope was placed before me.

I’ve learned to look for God absolutely everywhere, in everything, and today was no different, and yes I was looking.  The lens one uses determines the magnitude and depth in which one can see and detect beauty makes a significant difference. Today my lens was woman.  Moreover, this woman understands that beauty resides even in the most beastly creature but seemingly more welcomed when observed within a work of art or an intellectual being.  And today, I chose to be a receiver of all that was great and inhale a sweet sense of spiritual and sensual intellect.

I’m naturally a giver of my time, fortunes, energy  and all of the aforementioned stuff I long to receive. Too often I disperse those things on avenues not conducive to positive results that enhance my life. What I’m saying is, today I rested in the care of others, the unfamiliar and new and I loved it. I loved seeing that which I strive to create existing without my efforts, without me operating in false divinity. I saw that which I desire in bloom. I mean, there are people out there who hearts are capable of surviving pain and turning it into flowing rivers of life.  People who are making conscious decisions to choose who they will be today. They build on top of their past, not neglecting it, not giving into it, it shapes them, not define them.

I saw me in you.

Therefore, I don’t stand alone. I am not drifting aimlessly. I am choosing my today, choosing my tomorrow and that allows me to bloom too. A flower blooms in season. So I celebrate friends who are in bloom. It looks so good…so go on…reach toward the sun for there are no limits. 

Friday, December 14, 2012

Finality, Fear, Faith

What drives us to want to leave a legacy, financial or sentimental? What or when does the realization come that we are finite individuals? I’m way too young to consider the end right? No ma’am, no sir, now is exactly the time to think beyond this moment.  Not so that we can work hard in hopes of a heavenly reward. Honestly, I think we are responsible for creating heaving on earth while embracing hope in a paradise.  I’ve been working on projects and papers trying to better understand what heaven is.  But I want to turn inward for a moment and reflect and debrief. I mean its not a day that goes by that I don’t think about death. Let me say it plainly, I am not suicidal. But I will say as often as I see life, I see death.

Death is in my morning praise to God because I say “thank you for waking me up.” Automatically, I wake realizing the infinite is within this finite body one more day and I’m grateful.  Grateful that I’m living and that I have an opportunity to live and help construct a paradise for someone on earth.  But too, I think of the people I will leave behind and what Is it that I will leave them.  I hope someone will miss me, I hope someone will speak kind words about me, I hope that the mortician will make me look better than I did in life. I hope for so much. But I also hope the my death does not cause confusion,  too much pain or death.  In my death I hope that persons will celebrate my life and the differences I made, the care I gave. I hope the preacher can honestly say “from dust to dust” and believe it, believing I’m not an eternal hell.  Okay sorry I digress. As much as I wonder about my life, I wonder about family and loved one.

My loved ones I want to continue to feel my presence if it brings them joy or comfort.  I want to be able to pay for my own funeral, pay for things that will comfort them temporarily. I want to pay for dinners and vacations; I want to bless a victimized woman and a lonely senior even beyond death.  One of my biggest fears for not only myself but others is to survive life alone. I should have done my dissertation about loneliness, but I’m afraid that I don’t understand the fear nor be able to articulate it in such a fashion the people will understand. But I will say this fear more-so resembles doubt or uncertainty over being afraid. And I’m okay with that because it is a healthy amount of doubt within faith.

Okay that’s all for now….just a few random thoughts. But the life within me calls me to love the world passionately, and I do. This love is growing, I feel it, see it and yet it makes me weary. It makes me tired. It makes me whole. I wish others could feel this wholeness found I think in servantry.  In servantry, fear is lessened and life moves forward. Whoo random thoughts….my bad. I’ll work harder next time I greet you.