Finality, Fear, Faith

What drives us to want to leave a legacy, financial or sentimental? What or when does the realization come that we are finite individuals? I’m way too young to consider the end right? No ma’am, no sir, now is exactly the time to think beyond this moment.  Not so that we can work hard in hopes of a heavenly reward. Honestly, I think we are responsible for creating heaving on earth while embracing hope in a paradise.  I’ve been working on projects and papers trying to better understand what heaven is.  But I want to turn inward for a moment and reflect and debrief. I mean its not a day that goes by that I don’t think about death. Let me say it plainly, I am not suicidal. But I will say as often as I see life, I see death.

Death is in my morning praise to God because I say “thank you for waking me up.” Automatically, I wake realizing the infinite is within this finite body one more day and I’m grateful.  Grateful that I’m living and that I have an opportunity to live and help construct a paradise for someone on earth.  But too, I think of the people I will leave behind and what Is it that I will leave them.  I hope someone will miss me, I hope someone will speak kind words about me, I hope that the mortician will make me look better than I did in life. I hope for so much. But I also hope the my death does not cause confusion,  too much pain or death.  In my death I hope that persons will celebrate my life and the differences I made, the care I gave. I hope the preacher can honestly say “from dust to dust” and believe it, believing I’m not an eternal hell.  Okay sorry I digress. As much as I wonder about my life, I wonder about family and loved one.

My loved ones I want to continue to feel my presence if it brings them joy or comfort.  I want to be able to pay for my own funeral, pay for things that will comfort them temporarily. I want to pay for dinners and vacations; I want to bless a victimized woman and a lonely senior even beyond death.  One of my biggest fears for not only myself but others is to survive life alone. I should have done my dissertation about loneliness, but I’m afraid that I don’t understand the fear nor be able to articulate it in such a fashion the people will understand. But I will say this fear more-so resembles doubt or uncertainty over being afraid. And I’m okay with that because it is a healthy amount of doubt within faith.

Okay that’s all for now….just a few random thoughts. But the life within me calls me to love the world passionately, and I do. This love is growing, I feel it, see it and yet it makes me weary. It makes me tired. It makes me whole. I wish others could feel this wholeness found I think in servantry.  In servantry, fear is lessened and life moves forward. Whoo random thoughts….my bad. I’ll work harder next time I greet you.