Cumulus

Cumulus: a heart's issue

Answer the questions of my heart. 

Logic makes no sense.

Speak clearly, speak deeply.

Speak with the language the heart understands.

Remove the cumulus if despair.

Logic makes no sense.

Speak clearly, speak deeply. 

Dedicated to May 19th

Love Worth Losing

Deborah Cox

Love Worth Losing

For the last few days I’ve been feeling some kinda way. And that’s fine, life continues, it goes on, life is supposed to move in a forward progression; Right?  I find myself listening to music all the time, mostly R&B, it’s slow, relaxing and if old enough, has great meaning and depth.  Hours pass and I’m still listening and reflecting. Sometimes I chuckle and say wow; this stuff will make you want to slice your wrist. Nooooo I’m not suicidal, but I am contemplative.

I think of where I’ve been and where I’m going and who with. After turning #% years old, I can’t stop thinking about making someone happy, and feeling a type of happiness l’ve never had before. Those thoughts ignite a desire of determination and hopefulness that springs up from my soul. I long to have that. Let’s get some things out of the way, I’m not arrogant, but I am confident, I’m not desperate, but I do desire. Therefore, I respect myself and you enough to not start something I know will go nowhere. 

As I sit here listening to music, going nowhere fast, I began to feel a loss, a deep loss. Deborah Cox, “We can’t be Friends” came on the music box and I listened and I even traded places with Deborah for a few moments.  I was really feeling this song. She and R.I. from the group Next sang their hearts out, saying “I’ll never ever find another love like you, I love you too much.” Basically saying in the sweetest way possible, I want all or nothing.  It will hurt me to just be your friend because what we had is real. There is no denying it, and if you were to move on, then what exactly am I to do with all these feelings I have that will not take flight?

The song got so good, I got choked up, felt a tear escape my eye…I had to ask myself, who the hell was I referring to.  And quickly one person, only one came to my mind. And while I do fear seeing a wedding come, I realize that I celebrate that loss more than I fear it. So exactly why am I sadden when the music box sings to me. Two reasons: One, because we are connectional people, and the story in that song is very real to someone and my heart is willing to share in the pain of another so they don’t hurt alone. And secondly, I am sadden at the idea that I will never find a love worth losing.

Sounds crazy right? I’m so blessed, there are people around me who desire my company even willing and wanting me to fill out an application for their heart.  But because too many times before I’ve met impostures who use my love and my desire for love to make me weak, I’ve become scared. Scared to take the chance of building something new and right with …whomever. I used the word scared but I’m not scared as much as I am scarred. Impostures left a nasty infection that lingers causing walls to manifest around my heart. Protection mode is in over drive.

But when the music stops, my heart will make its own beat and I pray my mind will march appropriately. 

Cost of Truth

Cost of Truth, Tarnished Secrets

I have a secret. My secret is a lie. My lie I want to correct. But then you will know I lied. If you know I lied then my secret will be tarnished. It’s amazing the difference between a secret and a lie.  But my secret began sweetly and lie was birthed out of chaos. And chaotic I am not. I’m just someone with a secret.  My secret is a lie. My lie I live because I’m afraid you will not believe my secret.  Honestly, my secret has been tarnished by the lie I lived and now you will have no interest in this secret I hold.  But it is you I want to share my secret with and it is you that I lied to. Ugh. What do I do?

I do what is best for you in this moment and that is keeping my lie and living my lie. But I feel as if you know me; there some part of you that are curiously enticed by something about me. And I think sometimes you know my secret, this lie that we now live because I lied to you. Dang it, I just discovered that my wrong action of keeping my secret and telling you this lie, makes you live a lie. I want to have an exponentially great impact on your life but positively. I want to share untarnished secrets and create new ones; just you and me.

Your secret is no secret, you shared it with me. Your secret I do not want to know nor do I understand.  But I hold your secret with care as best I can. Am I rambling but I must write until our secrets reveal the truth that must be told.

Truth.

I know truth and truth I withheld from you. I know truth and it lurks in my mind and in the crevices of my curiosity. What is the cost of truth?  There are a multitude of answers and opinions I’m certain. But at the end of the day, for me, there is no cost to freedom. Truth is freedom.  If I tell my secret, no matter how tarnished it is, if I believe the listener will not receive my secret with an open heart and mind. It is okay. How can you say that B? I say it because, I will be free. My truth will restore life without lies. That life is what it is. I accept that any day over and above some concocted lie of a life I created. I don’t want that kind of power. Power belongs in the arms of Truth and Truth is God. 

God help me to rub and restore the shine to the lives I tarnished and may we all exude and seriously experience the complete love of You, our Rock and our Shield. 

My Soul Thirst....

I belong- 

“My soul thirst for God, the living God” (Ps 42:2)

(Begin with prayer, worship and scripture reading.)

When we embrace our responsibility that means that we have to “distinguish the inner voice of truth from the inner voice of fear.”[1] Fear is so readily available and we have to intentionally seek the inner voice that resides in us. We can listen for the sound of the still small voice that still speaks in every context full of life.  This voice gives direction, clarity, community; this voice is the “living God.”

In order to hear God we have to get rid of all of the noise that surrounds us. How many people get off work, get in their car to drive home and immediately turn on the radio? How many of you are honkers in traffic? And I imagine half of you when you arrive home have the television on in one room and the radio in another? So tell me, when do you have time for silence? When do you listen to the teacher within you?  All those things have its place in our lives. But most importantly we have to find the time and space for you and God to commune.  When do you talk to God? And please don’t tell me the only time you scream Oh God is when you are in need or afraid.  Ok let’s say that is the only time, we have to learn to cry out for others and on behalf of others. The world is in need, not just you.

The world is afraid of everything they don’t understand. You are afraid that what you do will not matter. You are afraid that you alone cannot make a significant difference. But the thing is, you can make a wonderful and transformative difference.  Fear has to go and be replaced with the real you, a more authentic you; you who shows compassion and cares for others- You who have become an adult and is living into their full capacity of integrity, wisdom and love.

On a piece of paper, as many pieces of paper you need, write on them your fears that are hindering you from trusting people and hindering you from helping your sister and brothers.  Look around, we all look whole and as if are doing fine. But we all are thirsty and in need of the Living God. We are all in need of each other. God has us here as hands and feet, as beating caring hearts, as intellectuals that should be able to join together for the sake of committing acts of love.

As you feel led to offer your fears over to God, do so. Take those pieces of paper and burn them, drown them, simply through them away.   This symbolizes the fear leaving, literally out of your hands now, find a release of that burden to now better operate and live in wisdom.

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[1] Palmer, Parker. A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2004. 27

My rebuttal

My rebuttal

There is so much I want to say to you. There is so much you have said to me in your silence that my rebuttal shall be quit brutal. I hope that I bruise your ego, slice your heart and expose my pain so much so that it creates a beautiful tapestry for your evening attire. I want every promise given to me to come true in front of your eyes but with another. Your smile that entices will one day rott because of the whore you have been.  It hurts to see the one I chose to love become a whore with their body, it forces me to admit I’ve been a floozy with my love.  My love was intentional and your deceit was undignified. My kisses were genuine, filled with purpose. Your spit swap was greed and carelessness.

There is so much I want to say to you. Because I have respect from myself, peers, professional colleagues, family, and community I have to hold my tongue and write you this personal note. This note is intentional like my love exposing your neglect of my heart that I shared with you. You say” normalcy is for suckas,” I say normalcy is not easily achieved. It means that my life has direction and meaning. I value more than myself. I once threw around your girl’s slogan YOLO but let me tell you, I will live twice.

Twice I will get to tell you that normalcy makes me Super Woman.  Go swim in the sea, and you will only see my reflection and feel my warmth, because I’m Super Woman. Jump from the plane and know I hold the parachute.  With or without you I will plummet into success and you’ll still be sailing on the tail of the one you manipulated.

There is so much I want to say. But oh, I forgot you don’t communicate well. So eat these words Be-outch and don’t say a word. Shhhh…I’m Super woman.

My Rebuttal ,  Word Spoken by B

Imposturic-ology

Imposturic-ology

Word Spoken by B

Let’s face it.  I’m in love with the idea of love.  And I refuse to believe that love will never come again.  But isn’t it strange that contradictory thoughts flow through my mind occasionally.  I have looked for love in the school yard, in the campus quad, and right next to me on the pew. Never the less, my future love was not there. Now I did find impostures.  I mean like serious replicas like the ones inside the coat jacket of the local crook. Crook, imposture, they are all related; they come to take without regard.  My playground love told the teacher when love was no longer fun. My campus love still loves me, look behind bush or the love letters under my bed. My love from that sanctified pew is off saving another’s soul. Impostures….this is imposturic-ology love.

This love so ripe and so ready, it tantalizes the brokenhearted, weary and the confident. Hell, the imposture strengthens your ego, fills in the cracks of your scared heart and listens to the soul’s desire. Now beware, the soul is where the ultimate resides. It’s where your power is housed awaiting activation through the prayers you have gently and accidently forgotten. Impostures….this is imposturic-ology love.

This love so ripe and so ready its ready for whosoever will. The one that will give completely, cry for your soul that seems to be without a purpose.  This imposture comes to steal your promise and your plan. And it’s possible because the lover who exudes desire will invest in making this wounded person whole. The lover will make deposits every day and throughout the day to nurture this person into becoming whole and loving.  In imposturic love there are no returns, no increasing credits into the personhood of the lover. The lover gives and gives beyond what is due.

And I’m in love with the ultimate lover that dwells deep within.  I wondered why I love so much, so hard, so long, so good. It’s because, I was born that way, Born in the image and likeness of that ultimate lover.  But why is the imposture there? Why do they come?  They come…to serve as a reminder, if this love is not sent, it is not meant. If this imposture cannot help you bring or create the kingdom here on earth then it’s not real. Only what is real can be. We pray and pray “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth...” So, listen to my prayer, listen to your words and be satisfied knowing that this imposturic loves serves a purpose--  To redirect you and me into the arms of what is real. 

When you learn to see what is real, you can then search deeper into the well of knowledge seeking who you really are. And then you will acquire responsibility. Learning what is real, you find out who you are. And the person you are will live in purpose experiencing pain only to be exalted beyond the platform of suffering into the atmosphere of pleasure.

So again I say imposture comes to steal your promise and your plan; once recognized run like hell.        

  

Imposturic-ology

Word Spoken by B